Owen's Very Secret Project Elanor Diary
age 8 months
(ghostwritten by Mommy)
Day 1: Saw enormous light bulb go on over Mommy's head, something about "Elanor" and "book." Followed immediately by large light over Daddy's head, flashing "Warning!" Not sure what all this means. Won't complain as long as milk keeps coming.
Day 10: Seeing less and less of Mommy lately. Comes in covered with clay. Hate getting clay dust in milk, makes it all pasty. Will have to remember to poop in bathtub to express displeasure.
Day 15: Mommy definitely up to something. Keeps blathering about "garden project." Cannot imagine what she is talking about as I can see our garden from here and it has not been touched in weeks. Packets of "seeds" accumulating all over house. No one will let me eat them even though the packets CLEARLY show that there's food inside.
Day 15: Had to go with Mom to dusty place called Ceramic Studio. Bleah. Smelled like pasty milk. Forced to sit in carseat for ages. Doggy came over and licked boogers off my face. Beats that green sucker thingee, but not by much.
Day 20: Mommy all excited, saying something about "Spring Break, now Daddy can keep an eye on you while I go to the Studio." Don't like the sound of this one bit.
Day 21: Heard loud crunching sound while riding in car. Side of car now looks kind of funny. Mommy seems to have taken it to a car doctor. Wonder if it will get a shot?
Day 26: Bad News: Mommy grumbling constantly about not having car during Spring Break. Good News: Seeing much more of mommy and taking long walks.
Day 31: Mommy very jittery, said something about "it's finally in the kiln." Very nervous, fear that this means I will have a little brother soon.
Day 33: Whatever it was, it's out of the kiln and no siblings in sight. Whew. Mommy now looking a bit pasty white herself.
Day 36: Mommy spending inordinate amount of time on phone talking about lumber. Really really must remember to poop in tub.
Day 37: Didn't think Mommy seemed busy enough, so decided to catch the Croupe. Never saw her drive so fast. Lots of interesting things to chew in "emergency room." Weird that they would have so many lights on at 1 AM.
Day 39: Piled into van and drove for ages. Dad and Brother got out of van and did manly-man stuff with power tools in vacant lot, while I had to go to girlie-cootie baby party. Networked with other babies while mommy ate cream puffs. Milk draws near. I can feel it.
Day 40: Got on the road at ungodly hour back to vacant lot. This time full of girls. More girls than at cootie party yesterday. Never seen so many boobies in one place. Must be at least 75. Finally understand meaning of "smorgasbord." Unfortunately, no one lining up for milk dispensing. At least I am the cutest one here.
Strangely familiar man also at vacant lot. Don't recognize the face but seem to recall that voice, many times, from way back when I was in that warm, dark, gurgly place. Wonder if he had something to do with my being thrown out of there 8 months ago. Not sure I trust him.
Boobies bouncing all over vacant lot, turning it into garden. Still no milk buffet. Pout.
Napped in van while Mommy went to noisy orange store. Wondering why she would buy two of the same book...perhaps Alzheimer's is already kicking in. Confirmed this back at garden when she ate lunch outside in freezing rain. Will probably be up to me to find her a nursing home. Will save payback time for that, instead of pooping in tub.
Sun returned. Laid on wool blanket while Mommy played with clay. Girls finally coming over, picking me up, giving me snuggles. Am losing hope of milk buffet.
Familiar man standing way too close to my mommy. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. . . hmm, maybe not. Mommy says, "Owen, this is the movie star. Do something cute." Mommy such a fangirl, cannot take her anywhere. Permitted movie star to see the back of my fuzzy head.
Movie star gone. Noticed he had a cute daughter my age. Curse my immobility!
Vacant lot gone. Daddy and brother return and play with me while Mommy plants little green things. Get warm fuzzy feeling, knowing that this is a place to come back someday, where I can play and read. Love Mommy and all the booby ladies and familiar Movie Star man and everyone who made this nice place for me.